Roger Ebert Is Hilarious

Roger Ebert has a book of his negative reviews and below are some gems.

Maybe another 200 cigarettes would have helped; coughing would be better than some of this dialogue.-'200 Cigarettes'

"No matter what they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out."-'Armageddon'

"That creature is called The Licker because it has a nine-foot tongue. At one point it has its tongue nailed to the track and is dragged along the third rail. I hate when that happens."-'Resident Evil'

"She and Daredevil are powerfully attracted to each other, and even share some PG-13 sex, which is a relief, because when superheroes have sex at the R level, I am always afraid someone will get hurt."-'Daredevil'

"It was W. C. Fields who hated to appear in the same scene with a child, a dog, or a plunging neckline--because nobody in the audience would be looking at you. Jennifer Aniston has the same problem in this movie even when she's in scenes all by herself." -'Picture Perfect'

"'Pearl Harbor' is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on Dec. 7, 1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle."-'Pearl Harbor'

"Pamela Anderson Lee, while not a great actress, is a good sport. She's backlit in endless scenes where, if she could have figured out a way to send her breasts in separately, she could have stayed at home."-'Barb Wire'

"On the first page of my notes, I wrote 'Starts slow.' On the second page, I wrote 'Boring.' On the third page, I wrote 'Endless!' On the fourth page, I wrote: 'Bite-size shredded wheat, skim milk, cantaloupe, frozen peas, toilet paper, salad stuff, pick up laundry.'"-'Exit to Eden'

"After his big speech, the courtroom doors open up, and who walks in? All those bald little chemotherapy kids Patch cheered up earlier. And yes, dear reader, each and every one is wearing a red rubber nose. Should these kids be out of bed? Their immune systems are shot to hell. If one catches cold and dies, there won't be any laughing during the malpractice suit. "-'Patch Adams'

"Eventually the secret of Those, etc., is revealed. To call it an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It's a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It's so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don't know the secret anymore. And then keep on rewinding, and rewinding, until we're back at the beginning, and can get up from our seats and walk backwards out of the theater and go down the up escalator and watch the money spring from the cash register into our pockets."-'The Village'

link